so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
