put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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