apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize