The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
