I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
