I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
