I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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