No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
