I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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