I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I need moral support for this bender
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
