Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
