In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm getting married
To pizza
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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