the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I believe in your delicious
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
