I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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