I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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