Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
