That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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