So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
