Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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