I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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