can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
