omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
