Jerry, you need to find god
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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