Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
