why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize