maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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