So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
