I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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