apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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