My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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