it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
