I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
