Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
