You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
