I just threw up on my dentist
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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