It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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