I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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