i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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