I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just had sex on a roof
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
