Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
