i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
