Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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