Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
