I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
