the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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