2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
