no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
