dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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