I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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