I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
