This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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