So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize