I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
