I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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