You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
