Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
